How to Unfriend Sadness

Just like every other person, I’ve been through difficult situations, I too have lost a few people who were dear to me, I too have had heart breaks, I too have been so sad at times that, tears wouldn’t stop pouring out and also have been kicked out of certain groups where the people in it saw me as unfit for that collective. We have all been there right? I surely had a tough time dealing with most of these situations... how have you dealt with your situations so far? Sometimes it is easy for us to forget about it and let go, but there are times when the situations take a toll on our emotional well-being.

Let me tell you about two of my friends- Rita and Rahul (obviously names are changed!). This girl Rita like many teenagers fell for someone in her school days. As a teenager she has no real understanding what being in a relationship really means.  Supposedly, this girl is “unconditionally” in love with a guy, who she soon finds out, has cheated on her, secretly being involved with another girl. Rita loses her mind, goes crazy, starts smoking, starts drinking and goes as far as to playing and hurting herself with blades! scary right? Now consider Rahul’s case, he is a good and intelligent boy, but is socially awkward; what I mean by that is that he talks rarely, gets nervous too often, has no close friends and everyone in his class finds him really weird.  Such a situation would be very sad and depressing right? Indeed an unimaginable situation for us talkative folks! Sadly Rahul went through a lot and suffered a period of chronic depression, almost flunking his 12^th for that very reason.

The above two cases mainly consider heartbreaks and social acceptance issues, but there are still more issues such as inferiority complex, academic failure depressions, job loss,  family issues, depression pertaining physical as well as mental harassment (ragging being a prime example), misunderstanding between friends or loved ones, loss of someone dear to us and so on.. Now that we have spoken about all the causes and effects, let us look at the other side of things, a new hope, getting back on track, finding a solution and searching for  a new path to follow altogether.

 When we fall in a deep pit or ever get stuck somewhere or we just trip and fall, we often reach out for a hand to get us back up on our feet, but sometimes we are so badly stuck or the pit is so deep that we fail to see the light above, lose our conscious thought process and don’t attempt to reach out for a hand any further. This is when we need just one, just one! of all people that we trust, to reach out to us, lend a hand and show us where the light is. Another alternative for us is to develop a will so strong that we feel confident that there is surely light above and we need to only hop and stretch a little to find it and escape the pit. The later comes to us only through experience, but what if our first experience itself is horrific, that too, of the highest degree? Those are the times we need a hope, a friend, a loved one who will rescue us from the clutches of depression and what follows.

The above cases are a bit on the extreme side, cases where you are already in or a few steps away from total black-out. What if you are fully aware of your current situation and know for sure that it can be solved through certain steps, what do you do then? Personally I jump to YouTube and type in what I am going through followed by the word “solution”. Seems like a hardware or software problem? indeed it is! The brain needs a reboot and the heart needs some adhesive to connect the broken pieces. I also have a few books on ‘self help’ which I often read and jump to those parts which I believe will make me feel better in the given situation. Additionally one may also simply ‘google’ the situation and many articles like the one you are reading will be available. Reading them will give you much needed mental support and an escape plan from your pit of sadness.

Just to lighten up the mood a little, let us consider a few lines from a song from the band Coldplay named “fix you”. It goes like this...

When you try your best but you don't succeed,
When you get what you want but not what you need,
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep,
Stuck in reverse...

When the tears come streaming down your face,
When you lose something you can't replace,
When you love someone but it goes to waste,
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home...
And ignite your bones...
And I will try to fix you <3

If I were to show off one of my theories regarding the ongoing topic, I would say the following: Science says that we as humans generally inherit various traits from our ancestors, traits from our parents being the most dominant. These traits are not limited to just physical appearance (I’m sure you are pretty/handsome!) but also in terms of behaviour, thought process and the way we perceive a given situation. So what do we make of this theory? The best people to seek advice from when faced with difficulties are our parents. They are the people who are closest in line with our thought process and hence can help us out through references of their past experiences and their own behavioural patterns. I know it’s awkward, it’s a challenge; I know it doesn’t sound cool but believe me, it’s surely the best solution and they are more than willing to help and support you. Such confiding moments with their child is what parents long for. So muster up some courage, it is okay to let out some tears and remember!  they love you more than you know!

Let us recall Rahul’s and Rita’s cases again, we have already spoken about the various issues they faced. What I haven’t spoken about and indeed the most important part of their story is that, they came out of their sorry states primarily through self realisation. Major contributors to self realisation are one: reflecting upon one’s undoing from the past and second: realising the fact that “Time heals all wounds”. Heartbreaks are unbearable surely, but the human heart (hypothetically speaking) is surely a part of us that can be healed. Rahul and Rita’s hearts were broken in different shapes and sizes initially, later were healed to an almost perfect state but this time stronger, less fragile and less prone to breakage. Ultimately after all the help and support we get from others, Self realisation is the ultimate saviour,  Hence making it the most powerful force that will keep us from breaking for years to come.

Considering all the above I wouldn’t  advise you to stay away from a relationship, nor would I tell you to stop interacting with people (socialising is an important part of our lives) nor would I ever force all my ways of dealing with difficulties on you. We all need to face them individually and learn our lessons someday, somehow. When it comes to helping others, some people preach about staying away from certain people, because they are simply too weird, but I would say: try to find out why that person behaves the way he does, speak to him, have a small conversation about it. When it comes to seeking help from others, remember that there is always someone out there who can help you, a small conversation like the one I’m having with you, surely will do wonders and will indeed bring a smile on the other’s face. If you don’t find that person, I will surely be your friend, but always remember you have to hop a little, stretch a little and reach out :). 

Beautiful People!

Imagine a world where you had no one to share your thoughts with, share your ideas or rather share a pizza with (I know some people wouldn't be so keen as to share food!), it would be very lonely right? an idea is not so exciting when you see no reaction from the people around, similarly a pizza is not so tasty when you don’t have people fighting for every piece of it, my point being that, it is important for us to always have good company around us to fully take in the experience of that something that you care a lot about. Consider your recently celebrated 21st birthday, it wasn’t the venue that made it special, it wasn’t the food either, nor was it your fine black blazer. It was the people who you invited two weeks before in sheer excitement that made your birthday a grand celebration! as I would say "Birthday Blast!". Now why am I talking about the importance of people in our lives? Do keep reading...

Some people hold a very special place in our heart, a place where happiness is triggered instantaneously when you see that person. Every time you reach home from college/school/work, who do you always search for? when you come online, who’s conversation do you open first? Well... that is what we call 'love' right? please don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t refer to a singular person, it may be your family, it may be your cousins or it may be your special group of friends too. They are the people who really care for you and you too feel very affectionate about. They are the ones who always support you in times of difficulties, celebrate your small victories with a lot of excitement and also the ones who dance like crazy at your Birthdays! There are always those who you might hate or may be someone who can’t stand your presence. I believe we should always make an honest effort so as to understand the other person and also clear the misunderstanding if at all that is the reason you both are at odds with each other.

When we come up with something new, maybe a new design for a product, a name for our pet or in our case a new project idea, we generally seek approval from our family, friends or other loved ones. Ever thought about why we don’t go and ask the same to a stranger? trust issues? maybe... our mind tells us that the best person to talk to about software is so and so person or the right person to seek help regarding your relationships related issue is so and so person. We always look for feedback from others or at least a comment on your latest thoughts and ideas. Most of the feedback encourages us to strive for better results while the other type feedback tells us about where the road block is, but what matters is that you listen to it, learn, improve and decide what your best course of action is.

In a previous article I've spoken about the importance of mentorship. A mentor or Guide is a person who cares about your well being and provides a lot of valuable feedback and suggestions for improving yourself in the given field. This person maybe a close friend, a teacher, your parent or a close uncle. This individual has a duty of sharing his experiences and expertise in a topic of mutual interest. Consider your uncle, who is a very successful engineer, you would generally ask him for tips on company job placements rather than the uncle who runs a restaurant of his own.  

We often see athletes like Usain Bolt celebrate their Olympic victories in style, but what we fail to see is the work put in to get there. These efforts put in, are not only by the athlete, but by a team comprising mainly of his coach, mentor and manager. The coach is responsible for his overall fitness and agility on track, his confidence levels are at his highest due to the constant motivation provided by his mentor and his manager is the one responsible for his well being, health and making sure he is always happy and gets all the necessities for his training. So, if we were to say that we can achieve something alone, we must be kidding ourselves. The definition of a company states that ' It is a collective of people who work together, towards a common goal'. In other words a company cannot be run by a single individual to gain the scale as the likes of Facebook, Google, Tata group etc. Hence Teamwork is indeed and should be an essential part of our lives. This team work maybe for a Project with your friends, for a College event with your college mates or for a cousins wedding arrangement with your whole family.

Ever been in a conversation with a group of elders, sharing their thoughts about politics, culture or maybe a topic as simple as the weather? These conversations are intended as small talk initially but soon enough, these conversations turn into a round-table serious discussion. This is a good chance for the younger generation like us to really contribute in the conversation, listen and learn, take in feedback for your views on that topic and also test your general awareness of your surroundings and the world as a whole. These discussions add to your wealth of knowledge. Elders talk about their various experiences, hence giving us a general idea of how to tackle the situation if it may arise in our lives. In this way we can acquire knowledge and tips from more experienced people. We should also make a point to share whatever limited knowledge we possess so that others may also benefit from it.

Now talking about that new friend you had a conversation with on Facebook or the new Girl you spoke to at your friend’s party. These individuals are commonly referred to as 'acquaintances'. They are the ones who you have recently had contact with and enjoy speaking to. They may be considered as the delicious frosting cream on your already existing yummy cake (your existing list of close people). What they do is, introduce you to further fresh ideas, new perspectives and also provide a chance to get to know an individual from scratch (which personally excites me a lot!). Making new friends, updating your friends list and also (sadly) deleting some names from it always creates a sort of excitement and surprise element in our lives, which surely contributes to a healthy social life.

                             

Let us now talk about the way we communicate. We use social media for almost all forms/mediums of communication-  be it through voice calls, through video, through texts or through images by using various social media platforms. Considering all the advantages of social media, I would still give the upper hand to 'talking in person'. Discussing a hot topic on our class group is surely fun, but talking, laughing, teasing and screaming in our college canteen has a fun of its own! although social media has brought us closer than ever it surely losses out on the aspects of having a heart-to-heart conversation, where you can sense the persons presence, perceive his/her reactions, judge who laughs the funniest!, share a meal together and so on.

Rich conversations with people make us more rich, the quiet ‘moments of love' between two loved ones make their love more profound, endless laughter and selfies with your friends make those moments more memorable. We all have people in our lives who teach us different things in different ways. From some we learn 'how to be a better person' while from others we learn 'how not to be that kind of person'. So take care of yourself, take care of your loved ones and also accept their love with open arms.

Advice from an average student

Throughout my ‘student life’, which I am still living currently, I’ve never had  stable academic performance. If you plot my Percentage VS Time(in years) graph, it will appear as good as a randomly drawn zigzag line. But what matters is I’ve survived and surely will continue to.

There are many batch mates, seniors and juniors who have been just awesome in their performance and are quiet consistent too. I’ve tried to be like them, well who wouldn’t want to right? But thinking like that was my undoing. I've come to a realisation that being inspired and motivated by someone is fine, but trying to be them and following what they do isn’t the best way to go about it. There are many people who try to imitate or be someone else, sometimes it’s rewarding in some way or the other, but being your true self, being authentic, being original, that’s what counts! Let me tell you about a standard or rather a basic procedure a student should follow and then ill tell you about how I go about it.(I’m not the perfect student myself,being an engineering student, its all about ‘Jugaads’)

I do not remember from where I got this info, It maybe some article online or some TED talk from where I’ve collected some points and written it down. The topic is “study less, study smart”. It says that typically a student can concentrate fully on something for around 25 minutes. So if you plot a graph of Efficiency VS Time (in minutes), you’ll see a drop in your efficiency to understand the thing you’re reading after around 25 minutes time. So if you continue beyond this 25 minute mark, you would just be reading and not actually following and not understanding it enough to remember the concepts or whatever it is you are reading.

Now, how do you tackle this problem? Seems kind of obvious right? You just stop studying hehe. Well yes, you do stop studying but then it requires you to be back at your study table or study area to continue from where you had stopped previously. It means you need to take a break of around 5-10 minutes to do something fun, get your mind of the studies, but with a promise that you’ll be back to your books or notes soon. The idea is to celebrate and treat yourself for your effective study time and further to refresh your mind for the remaining part of the study. So what we observe in the efficiency VS time graph is a small drop, a 5 minutes break and then continuation of the efficiency graph as before or maybe at a lower level, depending on how much effective fun you have hahaha.

Additionally I’ve written about two more important things, first being the concept of SQ3R. This pneumonic simply means: Survey, Question, Read, Recite and Review. It tells you about how a student needs to approach a study material and should follow that exact order. Second is the importance of proper sleep. We as engineers do a lot of procrastination and end up staying up late nights before exams and then feel sleepy while answering the paper, and surely it’s not the best way to approach an examination. In relation to the above mentioned theory, we are studying effectively for a very less time during late nights. Hence we find ourselves with very less concentration power in the morning for the paper (the fear does help us boost the concentration XD but that’s because we have no other choice but to store as much as we can in the last minutes before the papers).

Now let us consider my approach towards this problem. It includes the SQ3R approach plus something I call “intentional procrastination”. Our engineering studies require us to practice drawing graphs, diagrams, equations, and a lot of solving. From the SQ3R approach I first take the S, where I go through and try to understand what I need to learn, then I go to Q, here I do not ask questions to myself or generate questions expected from the students as per the theory, but I simply refer the past Q papers and write them down at one place with the frequency at which they have been repeated denoted by a star mark. In engineering we have papers in form of modules which further helps in categorising these questions. Then I go through d questions and get a grip of what I am to learn from the already surveyed notes. Then I read it again properly, now with respect to only the questions I’ve written down. Hence now I have a good understanding of the lesson or chapter. Next step is writing stuff, the things I’ve mentioned above. The numerical can be done from the question papers later when you are done with the theory or concepts.

By intentional procrastination it means that I do procrastinate but in a planned manner. We usually have gaps between our semester papers of some 3 to 4 days. So before the whole semester exams season starts, I do the S and Q part of at least 2 modules of each subject. So when those 3 to 4 days gaps come, I’m ready for the remaining part. Hence I manage to complete the portion in time without the need to stay up late nights beyond my capacity.

Well, I’m not the best person to take advice from, nor am I qualified to teach you how to study, i just wanted you to know how I approach exams. The advantages of the above approach are proper sleep, better grip of the topics because of multiple surveys of the chapters and decent marks (above average). The disadvantages are that I start finding subjects interesting and then I realise that the exams are in 2 days and then I’ll never be studying it further, kind of sad, but then I further realise that I have to concentrate and follow the same procedure for the next paper hehe.

mentors?

They say you always need a teacher or a mentor if your starting off new at something or stuck at some stage of that something. At school and college we have our teachers (though we fail to realise their importance sometimes), a sportsman has a coach, a musician has a teacher, companies and businesses have their business teams and consultants and so on...

So why am I talking about mentors and teachers? The thing is that whenever we do something and we fail in it or take some wrong decision, sometimes we have the courage to get up or take the other path or figure something out; but what if we fail to see what lies ahead? What if we are stuck there itself sobbing and worrying that we would never be able to rise and step up to the challenge and move forward? That is the time we need a person who has faced similar problems and difficulties and is willing to share his or her knowledge and experience, hence can guide you in dealing with your ongoing problems.

The funny thing about finding a mentor is that we are either shy or we fear that the person will reject our request. I know rejections are sad, but that’s how life is, just coz your girlfriend rejected you doesn’t mean you’ll stop trying right? Hehe... I know you’re smarter than that! U never know your new girl may turn out to be an angel and you would be thankful that you were rejected. Similarly even if your request does get rejected u never know that the next person you meet and ask for help may turn out to be a gem of a person, and would help you fix your problems more effectively and teach you a lot more than what you asked for in the first place. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear!

 The next factor is us being too embarrassed or shy or just scared to ask. I mean c’mon, it surely couldn’t be as bad as asking a girl or guy out right? But you have to understand that this is important and you’re in need of advice, guidance and help, hence the situation requires you to take such a step immediately! So man up! Gather some courage and search for the right people who are experienced and can provide solutions to your problems.

You would then say to me, “I could easily find a solution on the web”, then my reply to you would be “sometimes our problems are more mental than about just pure information in form of texts n pretty images from some article or blog posted by some person who doesn’t know my problems and difficulties!”. But truly I’m doing the same currently, I’m trying to convince you that mentors are important coz  I’ve realised their importance and I know how I’ve come out of difficulties by simply following their advice and eventually figuring it out. So go out there and find that person. Remember to never settle for an average or just a good mentor, if you want to do something great, you’ll have to learn from someone who is great! So don’t be scared to ask for help from people at the top. They have reached this greatness by starting from scratch, and facing similar problems at the stage where we currently maybe.

Speaking about text and pretty images, it reminds me of books. If you wish to learn something about ‘Gravity’ or the ‘Theory of general relativity’ and you want someone to guide you in the above topics, probably someone who is an expert in the field, you would probably have to wake up Albert Einstein from the dead. That sounds funny but the joke is on you LOL! The answer to this is reading up books and papers related to these topics. Hence you will find your answers indirectly from the vast research done by Einstein himself. Another awesome thing about these books would be that you could read up and digest the concepts with a week or a month, the content that took Einstein a decade or more to figure out! Now u will have learnt and be as knowledgeable as Einstein was in that topic in a such a short period.

Ill keep this post short, but surely all the above things I’ve talked about are important and you will realise the same when u start applying it in your life. Maybe I’ll try to give short summaries or just short notes or points from some books I’ve read or reading currently in my upcoming posts...

LIFE after college

In India, we usually do engineering first and then find our passion for something completely different... this has become a cliche statement now.

But I myself will pass out from my engineering soon, I do have many interests and I would like to have these interest to continue to exist till forever, but does it necessarily mean my interests should be converted into career options? 

The funny thing about our interests is that they continue to evolve with time, for example...

As a kid in my primary school days, I would tirelessly ride my bicycle with my friends, showing off, attaching bright led lights and horns on my bicycle and so on (I believed I would be a 'motorcycle racer' some day). When it came to high school, I was all about PC gaming, everything from FPS shooting, strategy games to role playing, I had covered almost the whole "gaming spectrum" (I believed I would be 'the greatest gamer' in the world some day). In my course of electronics engineering, I was all about robotics, mobile phones and other gadgets and programming (I believe I will contribute and put lots of effort when i finally start working in some company, but then, my college placements aren't the best, and I have heard a few seniors giving feedback about their experiences, and they are not good!)

As u may see my interests varied according to the different stages of life I went through, the different situations my life put me in and just the level of maturity one attains as we grow up (well, my maturity is quiet low, but don't tell that to the HR's of any company... hehe) . 

Certainly I do not mean any disrespect to the great artists, actors, musicians and sports personalities who have chased their dreams from the very beginning and have achieved success in their fields. But let me remind you that, what they chased was their 'passion' and not 'interests' , there is a huge difference which is evident when you pursue them in the long run.

I've been reading a few books, looking up Youtube videos for some inspiration and as expected I have found a new interest. But this time its the real deal, this time its 'business', well I am no commerce or management student but the very idea of planning out your money, businesses and resources is quiet interesting if you ask me. so now i ask myself the following question...

What you wanna do?: Corporate job? Business or entrepreneurship? Investing?

then I say to myself...

Whatever it is, I just got to be ready, both mentally and physically for the days ahead. Physically doesn’t simply mean hitting the gym, having big biceps or a flat stomach; its about having more stamina, regulated sleeping habits and ability to work continuously for long a duration, additionally you have to develop good speaking skills and a friendly yet attractive appearance . When we talk about being mentally prepared, it simply doesn’t mean reading books or watching interesting and knowledgeable YouTube videos, its more about applying those principles you’ve read about and realising that the principles are indeed useful and effective in your life; it further also means that you have to develop your memory, your mental abilities, thinking power, dealing with stress and so on...

I am gonna mold myself into one of the best knowledgeable and smart business persons ever, Ill be rich not just with respect to money, but also knowledge, people, family, happiness and all other non materialistic things that would make me a happier man.

This is indeed the next stage of life. The marks aren’t that important now, a 75% is more then enough, 70% being the maximum requirement of most companies. The main challenge now is how you’ll face the world and people; after all if you wanna survive in the industry you should know your stuff well, work on your assignments with full concentration and last but not the least, you should get along with people and win them over.

Life isn’t that easy if you want great things, but its your choice if you want it to be on a path full of struggle or on a path where the journey is fun and worth taking. It wont  be easy, there will be many challenges and set backs, but I know, I believe if we have the persistence, skills, passion and patience we will be successful no matter what career we choose.

  -from pika to pika